Chuck Norris Thread

[StreetUnitMike]

I know there will be tons of replies for this..

Facts about Chuck Norris

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris's tears are the cure for AIDS, unfortunately he has never cried.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer


More to come....i know all of you have plenty to add!!

[Chef]

One time while vacationing Chuck Norris impregnateed and entire group of nuns, who later gave birth to the 72 Dolphins.

It is a 99% chance Chuck Norris is your father.

The Dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

[StreetUnitMike]

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

[Chef]

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

[StreetUnitMike]

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick ass."
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

[Chef]

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

[Cullen]

Chuck Norris is the Master Chief character in Xbox's Halo.

[StreetUnitMike]

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked an albino black.

[StreetUnitMike]

Chuck Norris can scare the sh*t out of a constipated man!
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.

[zerbi21]

sorry i had to put my 2 cents in :radar: :radar:



Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

[kamon8404]

Some people run 10's in the quarter mile. Chuck Norris runs 10s around the world .... twice!

[Freshrubber]

chuck noris performed the first c section by round house kicking his moms stomach so he could get out.

chuck norris' mom once called him charles...... once.

[moditfromday1]

ive tried to dyno it but cannot find one that can withstand the force of this beast. i came close once, but when i got to third gear, the snap of the car had so much force it was like a double roundhouse kick to the head, which caused severe neck trauma in which i passed out, when i woke up, the car had drifted off the dyno into the fans smashing into a wall. I dragged my self out of the car as i could not feel my legs, i army crawled to the desk, when I looked at the monitor to see my readings, the screen had shattered, the outside of the monitor had what appeared to be a shoe print, when I looked at the prinout, it stated "1st gear was proving you were man, 2nd gear you saw god, third gear chuck decided that was enough.

[Raider]

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO

[Raider]

Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.

[Shakenbaby72]

chuck norris is a wussie...............

[Raider]

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

[BLACK OUT 3]

Google is Chuck Norris

[Raider]

Chuck Norris invented the internet.

[Broken]

God created earth in six days and then rested, but its a fact tha Chuck Norris could have done it in one, kill everyone in the second day, and then repeat the process.

[Shakenbaby72]

if you look up NacyBoy in the dictionary you will find a picture of Chuck Norris

[Broken]

When a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is recorded and played in slow-mo, the background slows down but the kick still too fast to see.

[BLACK OUT 3]

Try do do some customs ones... You know ones that you have made up! Raider your internet comment is a knock off, of the google one I made up! lol

[edrive73]

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Man, Bruce Lee totally kicked Chuck Norris' A$$. :yes3:

[BLACK OUT 3]

Chuck Norris made man so he would have no problem destroying Bruce Lee, Chung Lee, Fing Lee, and all of the Flippen Cuzins!

[Broken]

Shakenbaby was killed by Chuck Norris for calling him a wussie

[BLACK OUT 3]

We are lucky the forum is still here for not deleting the post

[Raider]

Bruce Lee is dead.

[smoker6]

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

[Chris Stutz]

Bruce Lee whipped Chuck's ass.

[Broken]

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.


ahjahahahahahah roflcake!!!

Chris, becasue of that thought, Chuck is going to roundhouse kick your engine and break it again

[Chris Stutz]

ahjahahahahahah roflcake!!!

Chris, becasue of that thought, Chuck is going to roundhouse kick your engine and break it again
LOL. Holy roundhouse Batman!

[BLACK OUT 3]

Chuck can send a nuke out of his ass and NUKE the enitre Lee Family and the rest of the chinamen

[smoker6]

Chuck can send a nuke out of his ass and NUKE the enitre Lee Family and the rest of the chinamen

http://forum.mazda6club.com/style_emoticons/default/34.gif

[Tengo]

chuck norris didnt go to college, but his mom did

[RareAJ]

chuck norris wouldnt leggo my eggo so i kicked him in the nuts

[BLACK OUT 3]

When does your cast come off?

[smoker6]

When does your cast come off?

LOL! Good one! :p

[Raider]

Chuck Norris does QC for StreetUnit. If the part is not 100%, he makes it 100%.

[Chris Stutz]

Chuck Norris paid for my new motor.
He has a black belt in yoga.
I am really Bruce Lee.

[Broken]

^^screw you hahahahahah
Im the real chuck norris

[BLACK OUT 3]

Chuck Norris owns SU

[Broken]

Yes he does. Chuck Norris will be talking of himself in the third person from now on....'cause he can...

[smoker6]

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now referred to as just "The Islands".

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris can Speak braille.

Chuck Norris put the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris died 15 years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't gather up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

[Broken]

^^winner! the best so far :lol:

[smoker6]

^^winner! the best so far :lol:

Added a few more. :p


Also:
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

[Chris Stutz]

Hummm. Movie....Enter The Dragon.....Bruce Lee VS Charles Norris......Did Charlie trip and fall into the crowd, or did Bruce pimp smack Chuck?

[Broken]

you cant beat me now. :roflmao:

[smoker6]

you cant beat me now. :roflmao:
LOL! GG...

You better get to waxing [...his car]!

[Chris Stutz]

Wax on......wax off.....aye! LOL!

[smoker6]

http://0.content.collegehumor.com/d1/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.82ad3c06b71e409d07efda0f059d73fc.jpg
Quick, call Bruce Lee!

[Broken]

wow...that just takes the cake

[Raider]

http://www.says-it.com/chuck/images/demo.jpg

[Chris Stutz]

http://0.content.collegehumor.com/d1/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.82ad3c06b71e409d07efda0f059d73fc.jpg
Quick, call Bruce Lee!
that is just funny!

[Broken]

http://i164.photobucket.com/albums/u37/mr_platano/ownedthread.jpg

[BLACK OUT 3]

that stop sign is F'n Hilarious

[Chris Stutz]

Oh, is that Chuck gettin' whipped.....? He just got owned! Haha!:)
http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m50/Redeye_Designz/Bruce-Lee.gif

[Shakenbaby72]

ya man...... thats what im talkin about.... woooo hoooo.......... go bruce...

[Raider]

Can you get something that is not 30 years old? No. Why? Chuck norris killed Bruce Lee with a pencil, a lemon, and the eye of a rainbow trout. Left no marks, either.

[Shakenbaby72]

okay now i have to get the army involved to take out the chuck... lol

[Raider]

Good luck finding him! he is like the WMD's, cannot find him!!

[Shakenbaby72]

i am a scout so i can do it...chuck has nothin on a cav scout..

[Raider]

prove it.

[Shakenbaby72]

okay well dont be sad or blame me if chuck isnt around anymore......lol

[Chris Stutz]

I know where Chuck is....he is in hiding with Bin Laden cause he's scared that Bruce will come back.

[BLACK OUT 3]

The Lee family is dead

[Raider]

Bin Laden is not worried about the US military. It is Chuck Norris he is hiding from, especially after seeing Invasion U.S.A.

http://imagesource.allposters.com/images/pic/MG/196155~Invasion-U-S-A-Posters.jpg

[Chris Stutz]

The Lee family is dead
Not dead. They are with 2 Pac pretending to be dead.

[Raider]

Did they learn the decomposititon skills in Japan? Hope they can hold their breat, both have been taking dirt naps for a while.

[Shakenbaby72]

damm that was way below the belt.... but that is how chuck wins his fights so i guess it is all good.....lol

[Chris Stutz]

Yup. Chuck likes to go below the belt. This picture shows Chuck going for Bruce's junk.
Boy, Chuck looks like he has been smacked around a little!
http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i77/jrshirah/BRUCELEEVSCHUCKNORRIS.jpg

[smoker6]

'Your honor, if I may I'd like to karate chop another cement brick.'
'I'll allow it.'


http://6.content.collegehumor.com/d1/ch6/c/4/collegehumor.fe6f72fc6d8ab131f1bd3934aa72f0ba.jpg

[Raider]

I just checked. The Lee family is still dead. I will let you know if theire is any change in their condition.

[Chris Stutz]

This thread is awsome.

[edrive73]

They bought property from Erik Estrada and now live next to Elvis, Biggie, and the new resident Anna.

Not dead. They are with 2 Pac pretending to be dead.

[BLACK OUT 3]

and the lee family

[Shakenbaby72]

the jedi will be coming for chuck........ da da da dadddddddaaaaaaaaaa da da dadadaadadad da dadadaddddddddddddddddddaaaaaaaaaa

[Raider]

Chuck blew up the Death Star with a single roundhouse kick.

[Ghost]

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y291/jonisexymomma/chuck_norris1.jpg

[Broken]

:roflmao: OMG OMFG thats great stuff ghost!!!

[FrigginGLI]

What happens when chucky dies of old age?

[Chris Stutz]

Okay, it comes down to this.... Video of Chuck Norris getting bi#ch slapped all around for 6 minutes by Bruce Lee.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLO1YIWQuXE
http://www.streetunitforum.com/%3Cobject%20width=%22425%22%20height=%22350%22%3E% 3Cparam%20name=%22movie%22%20value=%22http://www.youtube.com/v/JLO1YIWQuXE%22%3E%3C/param%3E%3Cparam%20name=%22wmode%22%20value=%22tra nsparent%22%3E%3C/param%3E%3Cembed%20src=%22http://www.youtube.com/v/JLO1YIWQuXE%22%20type=%22application/x-shockwave-flash%22%20wmode=%22transparent%22%20width=%22425% 22%20height=%22350%22%3E%3C/embed%3E%3C/object%3E

[Shakenbaby72]

damm skippy..... that was wicked sweet..

[Chris Stutz]

Wasn't it. I bet no one can find Bruce being smacked around like that by Chuck....I WIN!!!!!

[Chris Stutz]

Chuck Norris stars in a new movie called, "Walker, Brokeback Ranger."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irI-T9zq2Po

[Raider]

yeah, but Chuick norris can actually star in a movie now. unless there is a movie about dead actors and their decomposition. :)

[Chris Stutz]

went to the grave a champ.

[Raider]

Chuck Norris dug up Bruce Lee, and killed him again. :D

[Chris Stutz]

Chuck can only beat dead people.

[Raider]

and the 1000000 people holding our MIA vets...

[Chris Stutz]

Chuck Norris.....Brokeback Ranger......thats all that's needs to be said.

[Raider]

Bruce Lee. Broken back, as the coffin collapsed and broke it. the Reason? Chuck Norris kicks ass.

[gatr13]

Chuck Norris is old school! Jet Li would spank him....hehe

[Raider]

Chuck Norris is Jet Li's father.

Another fact.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

[Chris Stutz]

Chuck Norris is Jet Li's father.

Another fact.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Don't you mean mother? :)

[Raider]

Well, if Jet Li can be classified like Bruce Lee, as Chuck Norris' little ***** like they are, you are correct.

[Tengo]

http://www.streetunitforum.com/showthread.php?t=2504

CHUCK VS. BRUCE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Scott]

So, what's the fascination with Chuck Norris? I thought that died out a few months ago.

[Tengo]

So, what's the fascination with Chuck Norris? I thought that died out a few months ago.
i was wondering the same thing, i remember when eveyone was making chuck jokes.

[Broken]

chuck never dies, he just gives you a chance to live longer

[Scott]

That doesn't even make sense?

[Tengo]

Chuck Norris runs Mazdas247.com/ NOW THATS IT!!! THE CHUCK NORRIS THREAD IS DEAD NOW!

[Broken]

antwon is chuck norris

[Tengo]

antwon is chuck norris
:wideeyed: :swoon:

[Raider]

Chuck is not antwon, that is a banable offence. If he did, he would have snapped the necks of many people over there. Anyways, back to Chuck's awesomeness.

http://www.centrimedia.com/leegrave/brucfar.jpg

[Shakenbaby72]

im only putting these up for you raider that and they made me laugh and cuz bruce lee rules
but here goes
chuck norris:can believe its not butter.
chuck norris: gets drunk and doesnt throw up he throws down.
chuck norris: jesus walks on water chuck norris walks on jesus

those made me laugh when i heard them ..

[Raider]

lmao

[Cullen]

ChuckNorris is registered on SUF. Seriously.

[ChuckNorris]

I am a member of Mazda6tech forum as well.

[Raider]

Chuck, I heard you don't believe in ravioli. Do you really stuff a live turtle with beef and smother it in pig's blood?

[Broken]

raider thats discusting.

here's to the "chuck norris lives here" T-shirt!!

[Shakenbaby72]

aw crap now i am just royaly skareewd now......lol

[ChuckNorris]

I would by that shirt!!! The turtle shell is a little crunchy, but it's the pig's blood that is a little gamey.

[Raider]

lol@

[Chris Stutz]

Gosh, i've been gone for a few days and Chuck Norris joins SU! Nice! :)

[StreetUnitMike]

http://www.streetunitforum.com/showthread.php?t=6091